Funny Marriage Quotes

Rodney Dangerfield on Marriage..





1. If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.


2. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.


3. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.


4. With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.


5. My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.


6. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.


7. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.


8. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.


9. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.


10. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Woody Allen on Marriage..



11. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.


12. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.


13. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.





14. When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. -Prince Philip


15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin quotes


16. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Irwin Corey quotes


17. “Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts”
-Jeff Foxworthy


18. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
-Groucho Marx




19. By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
More funny Socrates quotes


20. “The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow


21. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson


22. “The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” -Bertrand Russell


23. “It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost


24. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.


25. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.
William Shakespeare quotes

Bridesmaids Hairstyles

You may think that your biggest dilemma you would be facing is when you are choosing and on how to organize the bridesmaid outfits. But things can be more complicated if suddenly your best friend arrives at your house with her hair dyed green. Remember, this stuff do happens.

The question is whether she’s a good friend or not. Well, she should be since you asked her to be your bridesmaid and everything that goes with it. You have to worry about something more important rather than your best friend’s offending hair color. But despair no more. If your wedding is months away, then there is still time to correct the hair color problem which is whether of course, your bridesmaid is open minded enough to change it. If not, then one of your bridesmaid has green hair.

Decisions on choosing bridesmaid hair should all be between the Bride and her bridesmaids. Sometimes it may be easier to decide on hair accessories than allowing each bridesmaid to choose a hairstyle which she is comfortable wearing. Junior bridesmaid’s hairstyle should be fashioned after the bridesmaids, but definitely with a less grown up style. Colored rhinestones pins would look great if she has short hair while long hair worn down can easily be dressed with embellished combs.
Ideas on managing the Bridesmaids hairstyles
Your bridesmaids will probably have different varieties of long and short hair.

If girls with the long hair decided to wear their hair up, then the short hair girls can pull off a similar look by sweeping the hair back from the face by using hairpins to keep it back, and then fluff up the back. Once it’s done, then you’re ready to go

Paying Bridesmaids hairstyles

When paying the bridesmaid hairstyles, there are no hard and fast rules to do so. If the Bride chooses the bridesmaid to wear their hair in a specific way to her liking or us her favorite salon, then it should be the Bride who pays. But if everyone is willing in using the same salon, with no hard feelings then why not divide the bill fairly.

But the bridesmaids are free to do their very own hair and if they rather go to their own hairdresser, then the Bridesmaid should pay for their own.
Deciding hair accessories for the Bridesmaids

Try choosing hair accessories based on the color of the bridesmaid dresses and their jewelry pieces. Rhinestones and pearls are perfect since they’re both neutral in color and compliments all the colors in the rainbow. Alternately, the bridesmaid hair accessories can be gem stone either real or synthetic or just simple gold or silver. But then, some brides prefer to wear a small tiara imitating the one being worn by the Bride. Tiaras look perfect on all lengths of hair, long or short even green hair.

Hairpins

Use some small stars of sparkle for your hair. You can use little pearls and crystal fairies around your hair. They work great either for long or short hair.

Bridesmaids Hair Pins

This is a more extraordinary approach than the traditional tiara; hair pins scattered with freshwater pearls and Swarovski crystals adds a more modern style to your bridesmaids’ hairstyle.



Combs

This is perfect for a French twist, bun, or other up-do, and it’s a great way to dress up short hair. By making bridesmaids outfit to sparkle, rhinestone, crystal, and silk that will do the trick.


EXAMPLES OF BRIDESMAID HAIRSTYLE GUIDE
Super Model Pony Tail: The runways are full of this style because it's so pretty and

easy to do. Here's how:

1. Apply EXXTRA GEL super hold styling sculptor from its roots to the ends and comb it through to make sure it is even distributed while its hair is still damp


2. Place a nozzle on your hair dryer and using your fingers to smooth your hair completely back from your face. Then pull it back tightly at the scalp into a ponytail about halfway up the back of your head. Lock it with a coated elastic band which matches your hair color.

3. Now, pull a small section of your hair out and wrap it all around the elastic so your ponytail looks as if it’s being held by your own hair and not the elastic. Pin it all into place or tuck it back into the elastic.

4. Use some DESIGNING TEXXTUR if your hair is curly, work high fashion crème into the tail and twirl the small sections of your hair around your fingers to help bring its volume down and give you a prettier, smoother curl.

5. Set your ponytail with one medium self-grip roller and blow dry on a medium setting if your hair is straight. Wait till your hair is completely dry and cool before removing it.

6. Spritz your scalp lightly with MAXXIMUM with super holding styling to keep it looking shiny from your walking down the aisle to the very last dance.

7. A light misting of COMB THRU natural hold design and finishing mist, on the ends will guarantee that the ponytails appears soft and free however still can go the distance.

8. Lastly, add shine and extra frizz control with a little of MAXXISHINE SPRAY

Anti-frizz & shine spray.


Chic Chignon: This is definitely not at all like those prim little buns that you had in mind. It’s something classier with a twist.


1. You have to keep it a little looser than a ponytail since this is a softer and somehow sexier look,

2. It is recommended you use MOUSSE PLUS which is alcohol free. A volumizing foam styler into the hair from the roots to its ends and pulling back less tightly at the scalp than a ponytail

3. Assemble together your ponytail at the nape of your neck and instead of pulling your hair all the way out of the elastic in a second time, just pull it halfway through in order to create a loop.

4. By pinning up some of the ends into place is adding some sophistication. Lock your style by carelessly misting all over with COMB THRU natural hold design along with finishing mist.

5. Lastly, add shine and extra frizz control with a stroke of MAXXISHINE SPRAY which is anti-frizzy and shine spray.
Half Up and Half Down: All hair styles begin with a good shampoo. Below are the steps in washing your hair. Then later is on creating the style.

How to Wash Your Hair

1. Your hair should be soaked in water before you apply shampoo. Don’t take this lightly. This is more important than you think.

2. The amount of shampoo that you intend to use should be according to the length of your hair. Long hair should only use about a tablespoon. Shorter hair definitely should be lesser.

3. Massage your scalp to loosen the dead skin cells. This is usually what dandruff develops into.

4. Then, Rinse well. Usually, we don’t spend enough time rinsing the soap from our hair. Make sure to check the hair line before you move on to the next step.

5. Apply conditioner equally to the ends of your hair. The ends are the oldest and most damaged area and it need all the help you can get. Try leaving the conditioner on your hair for a few minutes.

6. Rinse if necessary. Also make sure that whether you are using the traditional conditioner or the leave it on variety.

7. Squeeze water as you much as you want from your hair as possible.

8. Blemish your hair with a towel to soak up excess water. Never rub dry as the cuticles can catch on the fibers which can cause more damage to your hair. If you have more time, then air dry your hair.

Styling Instructions

1. Pull your hair up into a high ponytail and lock into place using a scunchy or barrette. Anything to your choice.

2. Dampen your ponytail and wrap small section around rollers of choosing. Some other people prefer to use bendable rods. What ever it is and which is the easiest, it should be your choice.

3. Dry naturally if you have a lot of time or just use a bonnet or a blow dryer.

4. Once your hair is completely dry, give a blast of cold to help set the curl.

5. Slowly then unwind the rollers, wrapping the curl around your fingers before going to the next step.

6. Once all the curlers have been removed, one by one, pull on curl so that they are lengthen.

7. Check the final results of your hair and pay attention to the finer points like bangs if you have them, or curls that might need extra attention.

8. Finally, spray a fine mist of hairspray to help hold your hair in your place. A good hairspray can hold in its place without feeling too hard to the touch.

Bridesmaids Gifts

Weddings are a moment of magic. Wedding is definitely a special day, but it is also a special day for all the people who love you. Bridesmaids carry a long tradition of aiding the bride on the wedding day. Their contribution plays a dignifying role in the wedding ceremony and the overall contributions add to the color and harmony to the ceremony . Their intense support in planning the scrutiny of the wedding ceremony and the mental support they share to bear the pressure of the trauma and responsibilities of the bride – might only be made up with a perfect Bridesmaid Gift.

Great bridesmaids deserve great bridesmaid gifts! Bridesmaids are the most important women in your life because these are the people you choose to stand next to you on your wedding day. A perfect bridesmaid gift is just the perfect touch for your appreciation for these special women in your life. These ladies have been with you through many milestones. Many brides today are holding less tightly to the tradition of giving bridesmaid gifts. Bride gifts are not necessarily compulsory but a little gratitude to them in showing your appreciation of their friendship is something that goes a long way. These are the women that make your special day a memorable one.

Bridesmaid gifts run in a whole entire scope in price, style and individuality. There are the brides that spend hundreds of dollars and there are those that spend only a few and of course those that choose to buy something inexpensive and less time consuming.

The real question is how to do you get a perfect bridesmaid gift. Definitely choose well. Use your time well to think and choose something meaningful, not only to you but also to your bridesmaids. Your thank you gift should be simple, sweet but meaningful. A bridesmaid gift will be cherishing as a reminder of your wonderful friendship and camaraderie experience during this very important moment.

There are a few popular trends in bridesmaid's gift. Jewelry is one. Personalizing jewelry by giving each bridesmaid a jewelry ensemble with her birthstone is considered quite classy. Dainty chandelier earrings paired with the perfect necklace present an attractive ensemble.

A trendy gift could be an ideal activity-gift which could pledge the fact that fun times not yet over – and symbolize that old times would often roll in the future – regardless of the fact that the bridesmaid is married or not. The monopoly or The Chick Game are various types of fun board games featuring traditional feminine quiz, some with blushing effect while some will break you down to laughter.

Another is monogramming which has developed into a full fledge service with monogramming occurring on all types of products. Some of the items that are monogram these days are handbags, footwear, totes, leather gifts, key rings, photograph albums, and trinket boxes. Here are some bridesmaid gift pointers that possibly help you in your pursuit of finding the perfect bridesmaid gift.

1) Make it Simple. Do not get all stress out on getting the gift of the year. This is certainly not the right time to show that you are Paris Hilton. These are your family and friends and they already know that this is not the case. There is no need to be extra creative. It might end up as a disaster. Just keep the gifts simple.

2) Does not have to be Expensive. An expensive gift is not necessary for a bridesmaid. You do not have to prove that you are the best in the world by buying them something that is very costly. Importance is getting something that shows that you care.

3) Make it Personal. The most important of all in getting a bridesmaid's gift is making it personal. Do not simply buy something from the rack and expecting that they would love it the moment they led eyes on it. Get something that they like. For an example, their favorite movie. Be a little creative and give it with a box of their favorite chocolates or candy. Sometimes a gift card is just not enough. By doing this, it demonstrates that you pay attention to them and their interest.

4) Make it Tasteful one. When choosing a bridesmaid gift, it must be appropriate for the occasion. An example is giving a book. It does not require much money but yet tasteful and personnel. Keep it elegant. Your wedding might be remembered as giving out cheesy gifts.

5) Spontaneous Gifts. Yes, time is never enough on searching for their right gift for your bridesmaids. Any time is the right time to do so just to show you appreciate them for being there for you. In other words, you do not have to give your gift exactly on your wedding day. You have all the time in the world to show your girls some appreciation. You maybe surprise your best friend with a cute locket when you were strutting through the mall just weeks before your wedding. So take your time.

6) One-of-a-Kind Gifts. Each and one of your bridesmaids are different individuality who plays unique roles in your life. The best way of making you gifts memorable is choosing each and one of them a different gift. For example; a candy necklace kit for the party animal or a charm bracelet for the traditionalist. By doing this, you show some respects to your girls' their differences and uniqueness.

Yes. It is not easy to find gifts for the bridesmaids. But there is a saying that what makes the bridesmaids happy, it makes the brides happy. Some people believe that you should spend the exact amount that your bridesmaid contributed to you and your special day. There are no right answers here. You do what you have to do. Whatever that is right for you. Regardless of whether you are hundreds of dollars or much less on gifts, or whether you choose to invest time, rather than money, in making special gifts yourself for your bridesmaids, the important thing is that the gifts are a tote of your appreciation to your bridesmaids.

Wedding plans can be very hectic and busy; this does not mean you need to stress out on finding the perfect bridesmaid gift. Just keep things simple and think of something that might be useful for your bridesmaid. They'll appreciate your effort. Like they always say "it's the thought that counts".

Bridesmaids Jewelry

A Bridesmaid is a close companion or most of the times -the sister who shares a major deal of importance in the wedding ceremony.The Bridesmaids theory originate from the Roman decree that insisted ten witnesses be present at a wedding in order to deceive evil spirits – legend had it that they could cause chaos and non ordinance within the ceremony . Often there is more than one bridesmaid that the bride chooses herself. According to history or often called as a superstition today, a bridesmaid is supposed to protect the bride against vice by confusing the evil spirits wearing similar clothing to the bride.

It can be a very overwhelming task if you are preparing all of the arrangement of the wedding yourself – cause theres just so many small things that can all be but ignored. But to the amazement, the rewards associated are also great. Having the wedding of your dreams is the huge reward. However, the perception of you planning all the details yourself is even much more rewarding.

You should never underestimate the importance of bridesmaid jewelry. It does not only make them look extra elegant on the wedding day but it also compliments the bride as well as creating a stylish and chic look for the bridal party. Guests who leave a wedding seem to always remember what the bride and her bridesmaid are wearing. From the gown to the shoes and of course their jewelry. It enhances the wedding theme making sure that your wedding is the wedding that everyone remembers. When choosing the right Bridesmaid jewelry, the multitudes of choices infest with the fact that there are more beautiful pieces of designers item than ever before; which really sets the idea of selection a long tiresome and often – if planned poorly – a complete disaster.

One of the good reasons for selecting your wedding jewelry for the bridesmaids is that it can also serve as a secondary objective of being a bridesmaid’s personal gift following the wedding. That is if you have decided to only give thank you gifts. In this extraordinary article – the craft of selecting the right Bridesmaid jewelry can be relinquished with full contentment.

The Wedding Dress

When selecting the right jewelry for the bridesmaids – its important that you take your own wedding dress in consideration - whether it would blend with in with your wedding dress. The wedding dress along with the bride is always the centre of attention for a wedding. Therefore, of course you would want the ornaments you choose for yourself to be unique and don’t let the bridesmaid to really catch attention or compete with your own wedding dress. Some things that you need to reconsider are the style of the dress and the neckline. If your wedding dress is simple or it has an open neckline or it is a strapless dress then you want to emphasize this area with a beautiful necklace. However, If you have a very elaborately adorned dress with multitude of additional design details on the frontage - then a necklace might be unnecessary and should just instead go for earrings or maybe a bracelet.



The Bridesmaid Dresses

When you are planning jewelry around your wedding dress, you would also want to reconsider the bridesmaid dresses also. Again you have to select the jewelry that is obsequious but not competing for attention. Bridesmaid dresses usually will consist a few colors and you can pick the themes in the many jewelry outlets and shops around. Remember that you can simply embrace the traditional option of pearls to mark an outstanding effect in the wedding. If the bridesmaid dresses are open in the front, a choker necklace with a beautiful pendant can also look great. A more relaxed or even artistic looking alternative with a little mixing of pearls with some other beads can also work with impressive effects and memories about the wedding.

The important thing to remember is plan ahead. Just simply picking anything to your liking at the nearest store is not really the best option. Its important that you adapt proper planning and arrangements of the jewelry style you are looking which is based on the theme of the wedding. It makes more sense if possible to buy the bridal jewelry for yourself and for your bridesmaids at the same time. Doing this way, you can be sure that you have completed the whole job and the wedding jewelry for the bridesmaids matches or intensify your own jewelry. If you still insist on choosing your bridesmaid's jewelry yourself, go to the market – survey an appropriate pearl or possible imitation set of stones that meets the budget and theme of the wedding. Proper communication with the appropriate salesperson or dealer is very important in cutting time – as the more experienced peer can help you select the right pieces of ornaments depending on how well you can explain the main theme and idea of the wedding.



The Wedding Theme

Another important thing to always keep at the foremost part of your memory is your wedding theme. Your wedding theme should determine and help you with your decision making. For wedding jewelry this is no difference. You would want to choose jewelry that is compatible with your wedding theme. For example if you are having a wedding with a beach theme or a wedding at the beach then you should choose your jewelry accordingly. Usually jewelry for a beach wedding is usually simple with a little touch of chic ness. However if you are having the classic church wedding then you would to purchase classic looking jewelry. Most likely this jewelry would be pearls.

With all the planning and tips to selecting the proper wedding attire – the importance of the Bridesmaid is linked within the deep roots of a marriage ceremony. The imperative role that the Bridesmaid have today in a wedding party maybe based of fictional and superstitious beliefs – but we cant ignore the fact that the magnificent ritual of the vows being played with beautiful maidens witnessing the event – and it all be made better with deciding upon the perfect Bridesmaid Jewelry to make the wedding a harmonious and memorable one.

Bridesmaid Dresses

If you want the ideal bridesmaid dress, you will have to concentrate on your pre-wedding planning. Before you even survey and shop for your first gown, there are some stuffs you need to know from the bridal shop. Is an appointment necessary to visit the shop? Can you afford the dresses you want? Can you glance through entire collection of dresses? On the other hand, do you only can try the dresses that sales person chooses for you? If the shop does not have the dress you like, can it be ordered?

Once you can answer those questions and you found a dress or two that you really interested in, there are still more questions you have to think?

* Can a dress that you really interested in be ordered with various sleeves or neckline?
* What kind of alterations can be done and how much will it cost?
* Is it possible to get the written estimate on the alterations?
* If the bridesmaids dresses are ordered at the particular shop, does the discount given on it or maybe free alterations?
* Does the shop have sets of headpieces or veils to suit on with your dress?
* When is the balance due and how much is the deposit of the total cost?
* Does the shop accepts any cancellations and do they have refund policies if anything goes wrong to your dress?
* Is the shop able to rush on the dress you like if necessary?


The questions above are the most significant question to ask. However, you might have some questions of your own. Please be cautious of any shop that does not give you direct answers or written estimates? Once you found the dress that you really want, try to ask them whether they can hold the dress for a or two. It is recommended that you go home and wait at least 24 hours and go back to shop for another look. If you think you have made the right choice, this is the right time for you to buy it.

Alternatively, if your relatives, for example your mother or maybe your maid of honor, sales clerk or your close friends think that the dress they select for you is perfect and you felt that you are not sure about it, then use the same technique. Go back home and wait for a day. Finally, go back to the shop and take the second glance of the dress they select for you. If the dress is not suitable or maybe you just don’t like it, don’t let the pressure from your close friends, store staffs or even your mother. This is your dress and you deserve to make a choice.

Once you chose your wedding dress, the clerk or the store staffs immediately will take size of your bust, hips and waist, and will be determined whether the dress needs to be taken up. Every wedding dress needs several adjustments. You might need to go in for fittings regularly at least five times. Try to make sure that if your dress adjustments are not free of charge, you must ask the clerk of the shop to hand you a written estimate. Furthermore, try to ask the clerk of the shop whether you can use the dress for the portrait sitting or not. If anything goes wrong with the dress, you can claim back your money. In addition, it is recommended to pay the shop with a credit card.

Yet you still have another choice to make. What about your headpiece and veil? The sales staff must capable to support and help you in selecting a headpiece that will suits with your dress. The veils also come in various lengths and style, and the rest will depend on the sales staff to help you making decision on which combination is best for your dress.

The dress that you chose would mostly depend on the veil that you will choose. If you were the type that prefers a street length casual style dress, you would not choose a church veil, which the veils will trail on the floor. Similarly, you would not be dressed in flyaway veil, which hardly will brush your shoulder.

Try not to forget wearing the right lingerie, jewelries and shoes, to suit and spice up your stunning wedding dress.

There is one more things that you should think of before you leave the bridal salon, your bridesmaids dresses. You will need to concern complexions, the ages, and body types of your bridesmaids. Luckily, nowadays bridesmaid's gowns are no longer the cookie cutter dress, which is most of them in the same color, and nobody would ever wear those types of gown again.

There are some choices or options for bridesmaid's dresses that mainly focused on what color that they prefer and what kind of fabric that is suitable for all of the women. In addition, let your bridesmaid pick a style that they like and comfort with. You might want to select a simple a-line or empire waist dress butter up all figures and allow your bridesmaids to pick the color they want. The recommended colors would be purple, lilac, lavender, plum, mauve and orchid. If you decide to pick all bridesmaids to wear the same dress, they can customize the appearance with scarves, small beaded purses, shawls or jewelry.

Besides, try to be alert that the colors and your bridesmaid's wear are balance and match. The color will mostly depend on you. You do not want that your bridesmaids wearing green and you wear red unless it is Christmas.

Now the wedding segment is over and the only think you think is what you want to do with your gorgeous luxurious dress. It is recommended to hang the dresses somewhere back of your closet where any stain will form and very complicate to get rid of it some other time. To preserve the gown, you will need to ask your bridal shop to list down the names of recommended gown preservationist. Not all are experts in gown preservations as many dry cleaners declare that they could clean wedding gowns.

Most of preservationists used two cleaning techniques. The most used technique is the wet cleaning method, which the dress is washed by hand with a cleanser and removes detectable and undetectable stains such as champagne and sugar). However, other preservationists use dry cleaning technique where the stains are removes lightly and next the dress will be dip into the dry cleaning machine. The dress will be wrapping in white acid free tissue or unbleached muslin once the dress is cleaned. The reason of white acid free tissue is use in this process is because that the acids in the ordinary tissue papers can stain and eventually it will eat holes in your wedding dress. After that the wrapped dressed is positioned in an acid free or paperboard box. To prevent your wedding dress from becoming yellow, the box is stored out of direct light.

Most of the time, a good reputation preservationist can charge you up to $200-$400 to package and clean up your gown depending on the place you live. It is recommended that before you send your wedding dress to the preservationist you should ask the preservationist whether the preservation work is done on site or other place. Moreover, try to check if you have to sign the disclaimer from the preservationist because some places state that they are not responsible for the damage done throughout the preservation process. The most important thing is that you must look for a preservationist who will guarantee his or her work.

To preserve your bridesmaid dress, it not a good thing to wrap the dress in plastic and do not hang it on the regular hangar because the dress will tends to stretch and deform from its own weight. As the last step, do not try to clean the stain by yourself as this could cause them to set.

To extend the life of the dress, it is recommended to wrap the dress in unbleached muslin and store it in a well-built box under your bed. Someday you might want your daughter to wear it on her wedding day.